Time to loosen up ?? Joke....

[XR8tt]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing the neighborhoods.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me ?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about 50 ?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house ?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it ?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes ."

A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money. "You finished already ?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge ."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the 50 and handed it to her.


"And by the way," the blonde added ... "it's not a Porch -- it's a Lexus."

 

[jibbby]

Let me give it a try.....

- What's has four wheels and fly's?

A modified lexus or a garbage truck...Drrrr.....


- The Pursuit of Garbage... Mid 80's Fords....


- What do you call a black teen driving a new Lexus? A thief...



- What do you say when you buy a new Lexus from the dealer? Man, I'm broke....


Trying to think of car jokes and am coming up a bit short... No offense intented on slightly racist car theft joke please..

 

[Lextreme II]

This is how the Chinese learn colors. They can learn the colors via a telephone conversation:

The phone call was made.....


"GREEN GREEN, GREEN GREEN, GREEN GREEN"

The home owner answered........

YELLOW YELLOW, YELLOW YELLOW....

Than she said.......

THIS IS MRS. "BROWN"..... IS MR "BLACK" THERE?

Then she said...

"WHITE" a minute.

 

[jibbby]

That's alot of colors there Lex...I am confused.... Just kidding, funny...

Getting a little sadistic now...How does one describe pain?...How about Sliding down a ten foot razor blade using your balls as brakes and then landing in a pool of straight alcohol.... Ouch!!!

How does one explain pleasure... Driving my SC400 while the nitrous is going while at the same time a couple of hot blonds are getting ready to party with ya in the back seat.....

That was a couple of duds for ya all.... Does anyone else have any jokes to share because I am coming up short...

 

[Cobra]

Guy goes to the supermarket and notices an
attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful

to his wife and he says,

'My gosh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to
on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped
my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

 

[Cobra]

- seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.


"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"


Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"


The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."


In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.


Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.


Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.


"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.


Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry
glare.


Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?"


The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my
son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."


The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......
"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

 

[Cobra]

THE VICARS CHICKENS



Why you should make sure you think before you speak ...



The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept

In the coop behind the church.



One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and

Discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to

Question his parishioners in church.



During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.



"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.



"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock

That doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up !



"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean

Is, has anybody seen MY cock?"





Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up!!!!

 

[XR8tt]

A biker and his old lady were riding home one cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the bike because there was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road. She got off the bike to see if it was still alive, and it was.
She said to her husband, 'Honey; it's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'OK, just get back on the bike and let's go.'
'Where shall I put it to get it warm?' she asked.
He says, 'Put it in between your legs. That should keep it nice and warm.'
'But what about the smell?' she asked.
'Just hold its nose.' were his last words.

 

[jibbby]

- seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.


"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"


Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"


The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."


In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.


Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.


Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"


The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.


"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.


Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry
glare.


Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?"


The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my
son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."


The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......
"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

What's red and has seven dents? Snow Whites cherry....

 

[cribbj]

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups??"

**********************************************************************************

These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee
performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "He's been working with glue too much."

14. "He would argue with a signpost."

15. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

16. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

17. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

18. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

19. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

20. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

21. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

22. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

23. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

24. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

25. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

26. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm"

27. "One neuron short of a synapse."

28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

**********************************************************************************
And here’s one for the Kiwi’s and Welsh:

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

 

[XR8tt]

A man sitting at a bar at Sydney International
Airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she
must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?'

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and
uttered the Delta slogan:

'Love to fly and it shows?'

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he
immediately thought to himself:

'Damn, she doesn't work for Delta.'

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head.
He leaned towards her again,

'Something special in the air?'

She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore
Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan:

'Smooth as Silk.'

This time the woman turned on him,

'What the f**k do you want?'

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and
said 'Ahhhhh, Jetstar..!'

 

[jibbby]

What's the cross between an elephant and rhino?

Hell if I know... or Hellifiknow...

 

[Muzza_NZ]

George Bush was receiving his daily report from his Defence Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld.

During the report, he said; "And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq." George suddenly went pale, put his head in his hands and began to sweat profusely.

His staff were astounded. They had never seen him react like this to this little. After he had recovered slightly, he brought his head up and asked; Just how many is a bazillion?

 

[Cobra]

Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic
condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to
his wife the purchase he just made 'Olympic
condoms?' she asks, 'What makes them so
special?' 'There are three colors,' he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.'
'What color are you going to wear tonight?' she asks cheekily.
'Gold of course,' says the man proudly.
The wife responds, 'Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice
if you came second for a change

 

[jibbby]

Jewish football? The only rule is to get the "quarter" back....

 

[Cobra]

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500.


They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment ' RENT FOR APARTMENT .'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

"Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat; and
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."


Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:


"Dear Sir:


First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."

 

[jibbby]

- How was the copper wire invented? Two jews found the same penny....

- What do you call a thousand black guys jumping out of a airplane? Night...

- What do you call a hundred lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start....

- How do you blindfold an Asian? Dental floss...




Oriental ancient wiseman say -

- People whom go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger...

- People whom go to sleep in the road wake up with that run down feeling..

 

[stevechumo]

.....Oriental ancient wiseman say -

- People whom go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger...

That's yucky!!!...That's the real smell of human.

 

[XR8tt]

That's yucky!!!...That's the real smell of human.

Maybe not !!!

 

[jibbby]

You guys are sick, it's just a joke....


Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side...Drrrrrr....


How do you grease your Lexus? Run over a Mexican......



A Mexican, a Black, a Blond girl. and an Australian jump off a high rise building all at the same time, which one will hit the ground first?

- The Blond girl stopped and asked for directions...

- The Mexican stopped to write on the walls...

- The Black guy stopped to jack someone...

- The Australian will hit the ground first because he spilled his beer during free fall and he sees a pub on the ground corner..
:alcoholic: