Found it
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WE ARE AUSTRALIANS!
WE, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional
wanker.
We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New
Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve
the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States:
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte,
grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose
chief marketing pitch is that "it's livable".
At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody
cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin
books read quickly and millions of dancing queens.
Its capital,Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world
and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their
Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains
separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the family
that bonks together stays together.
In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the
State bring smiles to the sternest faces.
It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks
can't seem to beat no matter how often
they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation.
Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels
as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had
the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of the Formula One drivers to
sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main
Claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all
the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last
state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the
government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains,
Sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and
dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of
anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium
content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our
national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on
our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland............While any mention of God seems silly in
a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is
worth noting that God probably made Queensland - it's beautiful one day
and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The least said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists
and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our
lust for international recognition. Not that we're whingeing; we leave that
to our Pommie immigrants.
We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right
mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem. (So
what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide??)
We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a
sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the
world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL,
roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing.
We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed
Olympians in the known universe.
We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.
Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded,
sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.
I am, you are, we are Australian.
